


Slipping

by DreamingKate



Category: Glee
Genre: Depression, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-02
Updated: 2014-07-02
Packaged: 2018-02-07 02:23:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1881525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingKate/pseuds/DreamingKate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine has been slipping for a long time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slipping

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt by anonymous: Maybe a long fic could be about after Blaine cheated, his mental health went way down, and he hit rock bottom and tried to kill himself. After he was stabilized, he finished senior year and went to NYC to live with Kurt. He still has depression and has a hard time making by, but Kurt helps him along the way, but when he starts getting harassed at school by people telling him he’s not good enough, he starts to slip again. Basically the story is about his struggle with getting by each day.

He wasn’t sure when he stopped thinking about his future. 

He wasn’t sure when he started dreading waking up. 

He wasn’t sure when he stopped feeling. 

 

Maybe since the moment he responded to Eli on Facebook.

Blaine picked at the thick bandages around his wrists, curled up on his side. It was his senior year and he knew he should be excited about graduating and moving on to college but he didn’t feel anything. Every day felt like a struggle, and he was tired of struggling. 

He had planned it perfectly. Cooper had gotten a big audition so he was focused on his job in LA, his parents were working late, and he had done his research. He lay in a warm bathtub, still dressed, and dragged his razor blade along his wrists. There was a rush of pain and the water of the bath instantly turned red from the blood. 

Almost instantly, he had started feeling lightheaded. Blaine’s head tipped back against the back of the bathtub and he blinked sluggishly. It would be over soon. Soon. His arms slid further into the water and he felt himself sinking down.

 

He didn’t plan on his father coming home early. 

Blaine felt himself jerked up out of the water as soon as he slid under. He tried to keep his eyes open as his frantic father wrapped his wrists tight in towels, dialing 911.

"Daddy?" He slurred out, trying to pull his wrists back.

"Shh," Why was his father’s face wet? "You’ll be okay Blaine. Can you hear me? Stay awake."

“‘sokay,” He whispered, feeling himself sliding back under. 

"Blaine! Baby boy? Please stay awake," His father had sobbed weakly and he was pulled under completely. 

When he woke up he was surrounded by doctors a therapists. His parents were horrified and sobbed at his side, desperate to find out why he did it. For days, Blaine just lay on his side and ignored everyone. 

He was just so tired. 

His phone lit up and Blaine glanced over, seeing Kurt’s picture flashing. For days he had ignored every single phone call and attempt for his friends to visit but Kurt’s picture ignited a desperate need to talk to him.

"Hello?" He whispered, voice hoarse. 

"Blaine! Oh my God," Kurt’s voice sounded strained. "I just heard. No one told me until just now. Are you okay."

No.

"Yes."

"Sweetheart," Kurt whispered. "I…"

 

"Don’t talk to me like we’re dating," Blaine said softly and Kurt was silent for a bit. 

"I’m sorry. I just don’t understand," He sighed. "You’ve never seemed depressed."

"Yeah."

"When…when did this start?"

"Kurt, I don’t need you playing therapist. I’ve already got like four," Blaine mumbled. 

"Please Blaine, I just want to understand," Kurt said. "You’re still my friend. I care about you."

"Do you really want to understand? I’m tired," Blaine felt a rush of anger that almost made him dizzy since he hadn’t felt anything for so long. "I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of feeling like I’m stuck. I’m tired of missing you. I’m tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of feeling empty. I’m tired of regretting everything. Kurt, I’m just tired of being tired."

"Blaine…"

"I don’t need sympathy. The reason I’m still in here is because I would rip out these stitches if I wasn’t being watched constantly," Blaine spat. "I have to go."

"Please…"

"My therapist is coming in soon."

He turned off the phone and tossed it on the bed next to him, sighing heavily. It still felt like a heavy black shroud was covering him, trying to suffocate him. It was hard to breathe, hard for his heart to beat, hard to stay awake. 

It was just hard.

A week later he was released from the hospital and brought home. He still had to go to therapy every other day and his mother slept on his floor, but it was better. The house was creepily quiet, his parents trying to tiptoe around him. 

"I know you don’t want to talk," His father sat on the end of his bed. "So, I’m just going to talk. Blaine, you’re my son. You’re my baby boy. I have never been so scared as when I walked into that bathroom. I know I haven’t been the best father. I didn’t understand when you came out to me. I tried to ignore it and I ignored you. I guess I got in the habit of ignoring you and…look what happened. I am so sorry."

"It’s not your fault," Blaine whispered. 

"It is. I’m your father and I was unsure of how to talk to you. I didn’t see that you were hurting," Blaine heard his father take in a trembling breath. "And I am so sorry. I love you so much and I want you to be happy."

"I don’t think I can be," Blaine swallowed. He hadn’t spoken to anyone about his feelings since he had been admitted to the hospital. 

"Why?" He looked up to see tears in his father’s eyes and his heart dropped further.

"I hate that this is hurting you and mom so much," He whispered. "I only wanted to hurt myself."

 

Without another word, his father pulled him in for a tight hug and gently rocked him back and forth. For a moment, Blaine just let himself relax into his father’s arms and held him tightly.

"We’ll get you better."

"I don’t know if I want to be."

He woke up the next morning to a text from Kurt. 

From Kurt: The world would be dark without you.

He was surprised that his lips quirked up in a small smile. 

Two weeks later, he couldn’t find any more reasons to keep staying at home. He just couldn’t stay and see his parents terrified faces anymore. Blaine could do this. He could face his friends. 

Tina and Sugar bawled, wrapping him in a hug and refusing to let do. He tried to give everyone a reassuring smile but knew that it looked twisted on his face. The only person who refused to come up and greet him was Sam, who sat in the back of the room with his arms crossed over his chest. 

Blaine had to sit through almost every member of the Glee club singing some kind of overly dramatic support song and, and while he really did appreciate it, it was kind of annoying. He kept itching at the thinner bandages on his wrists and tried not to glance at the clock.

 

"Sam?" Mr. Schue turned towards him. 

"I don’t have a song."

"We’re all singing to support Blaine," Artie mumbled softly. 

"I don’t."

There was a long moment of silence as everyone stared at him. Mr. Schue’s mouth dropped open and Blaine felt his throat tighten. Sam was supposed to be his best friend. He was his best friend.

Suddenly feeling overwhelmed, Blaine stood and walked out into the hallway. He wasn’t sure where he was going but eventually found himself in the gym, slamming bare fists into the punching bag.

"Mr. Schue says I have to talk to you," Sam said from the doorway but Blaine ignored him. "You’re going to hurt yourself."

"Go away."

He tried to punch the bag again but Sam caught his fist. With a ragged cry, Blaine spun around and pushed him off. He was angry, he was furious. 

"Don’t. Touch. Me."

"It’s like I don’t even know you!" Sam shouted back. "The Blaine I know, my best friend, wouldn’t try to kill himself."

"I guess you never really knew me then," Blaine flexed his red hands. 

"I guess not."

There was a long silence before Sam put both hands on top of his head and sighed, closing his eyes. 

"Why wouldn’t I know my best friend was suicidal?"

"I don’t know," Blaine shook his head. 

"Was it like…a spur of the moment thing?" Sam looked a little desperate. 

"No."

"Then why wouldn’t you let me help you?" He whispered. "I would have done anything to help you."

"I know, that’s why I didn’t say anything," Blaine wrapped his arms around his stomach. "Getting saved wasn’t part of the plan."

"Fuck," Sam let out a sharp breath. "Fuck."

"I am sorry for hurting everyone."

"I was pissed," He sighed, turning in place. "I was so angry at you. I just…that was so selfish of you. Do you realize what you were leaving behind? How many people love you?"

"You know what, people always tell me how selfish I am," Blaine snapped back. "Like I’m so selfish because I don’t want to stay. How about how selfish you all are? Blaine, we know you’re in pain and want to die but stick around and suffer just because it would be sad if you died. It’s my life. Shouldn’t I decide if and when I want to die?"

Sam stared at him before hurrying forward and pulling him in to a hug. 

"I’m so sorry you feel this way," He whispered into Blaine’s ear. "I hate that you’re hurting."

"I’ve been getting a lot of hugs," Blaine chuckled.

"I promise to give you as many as you want," Sam stepped back, scrubbing at his eyes. "I know…I know you’re in a dark place right now but can you give me a chance? Let us help you."

"I can give it a chance," Blaine nodded, heart dropping at the idea of trying to stay longer. "I can try."

"Good, because I’ve done some research. Apparently yoga is really good for depression and I’ve found an awesome yoga studio near your house. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at six," He grinned. "It’ll be fun!"

For the first time in a long time, Blaine was looking forward to tomorrow.

With every day, things got better. Blaine could take a little more air in and he could begin to plan for the future. His friends were always there for him and he was finally beginning to have days where he didn’t feel like killing himself. 

Two weeks after graduation, he got back together with Kurt. After the suicide attempt he had slowly started talking more to Kurt and they struck up a friendship. When Kurt came to visit they hung out together. They always called each other and Blaine remembered exactly why he loved Kurt. 

Kurt was so special. It reminded him of something Rachel had said, being part of something special made you special. They were special. He was in love. Kurt made him want to keep breathing. 

He didn’t even have to think about moving to the apartment when he got accepted into NYADA. The days went smoother. Blaine was somewhere he loved, somewhere he belonged. He was going to be on Broadway. He was going to be an actor. 

He had a future. 

Things started slipping again in the second semester of his freshman year. Blaine got approval to move forward into a more advanced class, clearly one of the professor’s favorites. As thrilled as he was by the opportunity, the other students clearly weren’t. 

"You’re flat," Krissi, one of the upperclassmen snapped during their practice session. "We can’t harmonize if Anderson insists on being flat."

"I’m not…"

"He’s singing too loudly too!" Vincent complained. "Can he just sit out?"

"Guys," Their timid TA, Mike, muttered. "We’re supposed to do a group…"

"I’m sure Blaine wants a solo anyway. He’s not very good at sharing," Krissi rolled her eyes. "Which is hard to believe since he looks like he just got out of Kindergarten."

When the TA didn’t stand up for him, Blaine’s chest tightened. 

The bullying got worse as the upperclassmen doubled their efforts to get him to drop or fail the class. His books vanished, his satchel got a tear across the bottom, bottles of milk and pacifiers appeared in his dance locker, and people tried to trip him in the hallways. 

That dark shroud began to creep on him again. Blaine could feel the inky, black tendrils creeping through his veins and drag him under. He desperately wanted to fight back but…it was so hard to dig yourself out of a hole when other people were shoveling dirt over him.

"I think…I’ve been thinking about hurting myself," Blaine said softly when they lay in bed, his thumb tracing over the scars on his wrist.

"What?" Kurt snapped his head to face him, ignoring that his book fell against his chest. 

"I’ve just been having these feelings lately…feelings I haven’t had in a long time," He let out a long breath. "I’m scared."

"Talk to me," Kurt all but threw his book on the floor. "Blaine, please."

"Some of the older students have been saying things to me. Like I don’t deserve to be here and that I am not talented. I know I do deserve to be here because I have fought so hard," He sighed as Kurt took his hands. "I just feel a little hopeless, like I can’t make it. Like this has all been a joke."

"You are so amazing," Kurt gently kissed the scars. "I’m going to kill them for making you feel like this."

"I don’t want you getting involved," Blaine turned towards him, and smiled softly. "I can fight my own battles you know?"

"I know," Kurt squeezed his fingers. "I just worry."

"I’m just scared…I’m scared that I’m feeling this way again," Blaine bit his lip. 

"Say the word and I’ll kick their asses for you."

I need to do this on my own. Maybe I’ll channel my inner Rachel Berry,” Blaine smiled. “Because I’ve worked too hard to let these people bring me back down.”

"Okay, so Anderson stand in the back," Vincent waved behind. "I have a solo."

"I want to contest the solo," Blaine spoke up, the group falling into silence. 

"You’re just a freshman," Krissi frowned. 

"I was head of my a cappella group and of my glee club. I want to try for the solo," He tried to hold his head high and ignore the feeling of that thing in his body trying to pull him under. 

"Okay…just because…"

"So, you guys are a year or two older than me. Big deal. I was put into this class because the professor thinks I am talented. Did any of you get moved up early? Stop treating me like this. I’m here because I deserve it," Blaine glared at the surprised students. "Now, let me try out for a solo."

"Go for it," The TA smiled.

Blaine took a deep breath and stepped to the front. This was where he belonged. This was his future.

Blaine had firm footing. He wasn’t about to slip any time soon.


End file.
